Family : A System

In class this week we have been learning about family systems. The four different theories that we discussed were:

Conflict Theory: Power to get gain.

Exchange Theory: When you give you expect getting something back in return.

Symbolic International Theory: Unwritten rules that we have grown up with or used to. Most of these are interpersonal communication and not written down anywhere, they are just known. It also based on your own perception regarding the behavior.

Family Systems Theory: Different subsystems of a family

It was interesting to discuss the unwritten rules that we live by. Depending on culture, race, family background and other factors it depends on how we perceive things. For example my family and I had a foreign exchange student from Colombia come live with us for his senior year of high school. When we met him he kissed me on the cheek, to him that was showing respect towards women in the highest regard, but I perceived very differently. This can happen in other situations as well. Newly weds deal with this in their first years of marriage, coming from two very different backgrounds, there are times when some things might be offensive to others even though that was not your intention. It is important to talk about those differences and not take offense but being understanding.

When I looked at my own family "rules" it was funny to see the things I had grown up with and become accustom to. It has also been interesting getting married and to see how my husband's family works and their set of "rules." Luckily my husband and I were raised very very similar so we didn't have a lot to change or adjust to when we got married. Plus my husband is very easy going, patient and understanding so he is really easy to get along with.

We also talked about boundaries familes set. We talked about homeostasis and circular activity. Homeostasis is when we play different roles. For example you act differently at church, school, when you are at home, or when you go to the store. It isn't that you have multiple personality disorder, but that in each of these different situations you take on a new role based on how you think you should act. We do this in our own familes as well.

When situations arise in the family roles change and family members can be closer, further or disengaged. For example when a child is very ill that causes stress on the family. The mom becomes closer to the daughter and is helping her, which then they form a union. The father can feel overwhelmed and stressed with the expense of the bills and feels disengaged from his wife. The other siblings might feel as though the sister is getting all the attention and feel jealous. In these situations it is important to see how others are feeling and to have open communication so that everyone can feel loved and supported during this hard time rather than alone and stressed. As a family unit it is important to be each other's support and safe zone.

The conclusions that I came to after this week of discussion were:

1. No matter what family system you are used to or were raised in, if there are things that were damaging, didn't work well, or things that you did not like that DOES NOT mean you have to continue in that same cycle. You have the opportunity and the right to change your life and your own family for the better. Stop the damaging cycles and change the future generations for the better.

2. Love the family that you are in. You came to this earth into the family you did for a reason. They are to help you learn and grow in the ways that you could not with out them. If you see things in your family that you think should be changed, change it, don't let negative things effect you or your family.

3. Sister Julie B. Beck came to BYU-Idaho to speak at a devotional and said something that really stuck with me. She said "you have two chances at making an eternal family, the first is the family you were born into and the second is the eterenal family that you create yourself. Don't mess up the second one."