Divorce is Not A Quick Fix

This week in class we talked about divorce and the "blending" of new families. I believe that divorce has become too easy to access and has become the number one solution to marital problems when it should be the last resort.

There are 6 stations of divorce. Many people think of the contract one, where you by law are divorced but there are many other. The 6 stations include:

1- Emotional divorce: involves a loss of trust, respect, and affection for each other.
2- Legal divorce: when the court officially brings the marriage to an end.
3- Economic divorce: settlement of the property.
4- Co-parental divorce: occurs when the couple has children- decisions need to be made about custody, visitation rights, and continuing parental responsibilities.
5- Community divorce: the friends of the previous couple become "divorced" as well and are sometimes forced to choose sides.
6- Psychic divorce: the individual must accept the disruption of their relationship and regain a sense of being an individual rather than being in a marriage relationship.
*(All of these are directly from Lauer and Lauer's book "Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy")

The main reasons reported for divorce are finances, children, communication, sex, and falling out of love. People need to understand that getting a divorce isn’t going to fix these problems, but just intensify them even more. Especially if the couple have children, figuring out how to divide them up is a lot harder than you would think and can cause a lot of problems. Learning how to deal with blended families isn’t easy, with the rate of divorces we need to learn ways on how to make these situations more effective. The way to get to the root of the problem is preventing divorce before it even happens and learning how to create healthy, happy and loving marriages. 

Parenting, A Vital Role

This week in class we have been discussing parenting and how to be effective parents. One day in class we talked about consequences. I believe that it is important that we let our children learn for themselves and that we don't hold their hand throughout life.

As parents this isn't the easiest thing to do. We want to help them as much as possible and we don't want them to suffer. But if we are constantly doing things for them we are really hurting them more than helping them. We have to let them suffer the natural consequences. Letting them learn for themselves allows them to grow and become the independent individuals we want them to become.

Of course, there are certain things we shouldn't let our children suffer, because it is not age or situation appropriate. But we need to be constantly looking at our parenting and changing it based on their, age, maturity and cognition levels. We shouldn't raise our children the same way we did as they were a baby. We need to adjust our parenting to how much they are growing.

The same principle of adjusting our parenting styles based on our child's maturity level also goes along with how we need to raise each child differently. Each child is born with their own temperament and personality. Based on each child's needs we need to discipline, love and care for them based on their specific needs. We shouldn't raise each child the same and expect them to turn out the same. Each person has a different personality and temperament that they are born with and we shouldn't try to change that. As parents we should embrace our child's differences and learn to raise them based on their specific needs and wants. Learning to adjust to their needs is a lot easier than to force them to adjust to our own ways.

Hopkins gives great research on when and when not to let our children suffer natural consequences.
He gives three areas in which we shouldn't allow natural consequences to teach these are:
1. Too Dangerous
2. Too far in the future
3. Others are affected (primary)

Finding the balance is the key here. We need to make sure that we don't interfere with the natural consequences, and let or children learn for themselves. Doing things for our children will not allow them to take the responsibility that they need to learn and grow from. We have been given our agency for a reason. If we as parents don't allow them to use it we are raising them how Satan would want us. When we allow our children to use their agency we are raising them how Heavenly Father wold raise them. They are not just our children, but Heavenly Father's and we need to raise them as such.

Work Hard, Play Hard!

In class this week we have been talking about how families work together. I believe that it is very important for parents to teach their children the value of work.

In today's society we have gotten away from the traditional ways families used to work together. Before the industrial revolution, husbands either worked on their farm, or around the house for their careers. Work and housework were one not separate things that a man does or the women takes care of, rather it was a family ordeal and they all worked together. Instead of leaving to go to work miles away, the husband would stay home and be around the family. This allowed him to be able to teach his children how to work and also allowed him to help around the house. Before children left for hours a day to attend school, they would stay around and help their parents with what ever they could handle maturity wise. The family was centered around working and living around each other.

This is not that not how families and work are today. Today with the husbands leaving for hours a day to go to work, and children going to school for the majority of the day that leaves women alone with the burden of taking care of the household chores all on her own. It is hard as a wife and a husband to teach work ethic in their families with the circumstances we have today.

Here are some ways we can still teach work ethic in the home and have fun while doing it:

• Family Garden
• Service Activities
• Promote a working environment ("unplug" from technology)
• Make chores a game
• Show your appreciation to your kids for the work that they do. Then they will be more willing to keep helping you out knowing that you appreciate the work that you do for them.
• Don't micromanage or be a perfectionist. Be pleased with the way your children do things.
• Even though it might take longer or cause you more stress, let your kids help you!
• Make work fun and enjoyable

Communication: Vital for healthy relationships

I believe that communication is a key tool to learn for the betterment of relationships and families. When you think of communication, one might think it is the words that are spoken, but it is so much more that that. Non-verbal actions and tone are also methods of communicating. Words make up 14% and tone makes up 35% equaling 51% of all communication. In other words we look to non-verbal cues as a method of communication more than we do to the words that someone is trying to communicate to us. Our non-verbal skills make up half of what we are trying to communicate. That is why the way you say something (tone) and the way you convey it (non-verbal) is so much more important than what you are actually saying.

Sarcasm is a tool in which messes with good communication and ends up doing more harm than good. We should all strive to be less sarcastic and be more clear and concise when we are speaking to those we love and care about.

 Men and women are very different in the ways that they communicate. Women for example tend to be thinking about something and then comment on it without giving the background story. This happens a lot and the poor men are left thinking, "where the heck did that come from?" To solve this problem women can either explain where they are coming from or men can ask "what is the background to that thought, please help me understand." It is very difficult to encode and decode what people are trying to say to us. We all have our own perceptions on things, and need to be clear on how we communicate or get our point across. Patience in communication is essential.

In Ephesians chapter 4 it gives great examples on how we should and shouldn't communicate. In chapter 5 it talks about the do's and dont's in communicating in marriage. And in chapter 6 it talks about how parents should communicate with their children. These chapters give profound insights to how we should be communicating and how we should not. It is very clear and straight forward. After reading these verses of scriptures I have come to realize that I have a lot of room to improve. In class someone brought up the question how does venting help? Our teacher said that it isn't helpful at all, but that it is degrading and doesn't solve our problems. If you think about it, Christ had all the reasons in the world to vent, but never did. Venting is destructive and lets us talk badly about situations or people. This really struck me because I go on venting rampages just about every day to my husband. After learning about the destructiveness about it I am going to try my hardest to stop.

I also loved how in class we discussed how the quorum of the twelve and the prophet comes to a complete consensus. They never yell, raise their voice and are always willing to hear everyone's perspective. And yet, no matter what topic they are discussing each and every time they come to one consensus. I love that! I hope to aspire to have this same method with my own family and in our own family counsels. The reason they are all able to come to a complete consensus every time is because they are coming to a consensus of God's will rather than their own. When we are thinking of our own preferences or opinions we will never come to a complete consensus but when we are putting God's will above our own, each family member or person will come to the same agreement. That is so amazing to me. I hope to have prayerful and spiritual counsels with me own family just like the brethren of our church do.

Teaching Your Children About Sex

This week in class we discussed sexual intimacy and the differences between men and women. We also discussed how you should discuss sex with your children. I believe that it is very important to talk to your children about sex.

I believe that it is so important for your children to understand the doctrine and principles and the purpose of the procreation power first and foremost. If they truly understand the doctrine behind the Plan of Salvation and the reason we are here on this earth, to create eternal families, then it will be a lot easier for them to understand the applications that go along with that. Boyd K. Packer says it best...."True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the of the doctrines of the Gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. "I love that and believe it to be true. If we teach our children the reason behind things they will be more willing to follow the counsel we give them and the counsel from church leaders.

If you do not teach them correctly about it in the home then they will learn the improper use of the procreation power from the world and other outside sources. I think that having that open communication with your children is very important. It should not be a one-time thing that you talk to them about, you constantly need to be talking to them about it as they grow. When you discuss sex for the first time that doesn't mean it will be the first and last time. Your children will continue to have questions about it as they get older and understand more. That it is why it is so important to have that open communication with your children so that when they have questions throughout their life they will feel comfortable coming and talking to you about those type of things.

Preparing yourself now and how you are going to handle these matters is essential. Discuss with your spouse how you are going to handle these situations BEFORE they happen. Consider it as a "game plan" you wouldn't go into a intense game without having a plan, them same goes for parenting. Knowing how you will handle these questions and being prepared before will help your children tremendously. Being prepared will help you be able to effectively teach and be ready for when that question does come up, because they will, and when you least expect it.

As parents we shouldn't act like it is this "taboo." If we overact or shun the question our kids are going to get the wrong impression. Instead we need to be as calm as possible and address it then and there. If the time and place isn't conducive explain that to your child and say, "that is a very important question, let's discuss that when we get home." Don't drag out the time to talk about it. My parents did this and it really helped. When I asked my mom what sex was she didn't freak out or over react and shun the question. She simply answered and explained it to me like she would how to do a math problem. Her and my father already knew how they were going to handle the situation before it ever came up. Talking about these issues doesn't need to be a scary thing, it is just another part of life.

Our great leaders of the church have come out with a Parents Guide about how to talk with your children at varying different ages. It gives great counsel and is a great guide to follow. Go ahead and read, I highly recommend it. Here is the link: http://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide?lang=eng

There are different ways in which you can teach your children about their bodies and the procreation power. It is important to start this at a young age so that your children know early on how to treat themselves and others. Just discussing the differences between boys and girls is a good way to start.

I had amazing parents that talked with me about these matters and explained to me what changes my body was going to go through way before they happened. The taught me the proper ways to use the procreation power and also helped me when I was about to get married and start having sex. Nothing came as a surprise to me, periods, the development of breasts, or sexual matters. All was discussed prior and I am so grateful for that! I hope to be just as open and informative with my own children.

I encourage parents to get their "game plan" together NOW so that they can effectively show love and teach their children about this very important matter.

Marriage

This week in class we have been discussing marriage. Specifically in the first couple years. There many changes that the couple go through and work through. Even though it is a challenging time it cam be "marital bliss" like everyone hopes for too. Some ways that you can make sure your marriage starts off on the right foot are:

• Establish roles and responsibilities. When you first get married it is uncomfortable to talk about these type of things, but not talking about them will cause more damage. Distinguish who is going to do what so that one spouse doesn't feel like they are doing the bulk of household responsibilities.
• Set boundaries for in-laws and extended family. Once you are married, you must break all other ties and cleave unto your spouse. Cleaving means moving away from your parents and establishing that new relationship with your spouse. Your parents now take on a new role. They do not decide what is wrong and right for you anymore, they just encourage now. You and your spouse must cleave and become one. Setting boundaries for in-laws, extended family and even friends need to be set. Your spouse is your main priority now.
• Talk about intimacy. Husband and wives feel differently about this and there needs to be clear and good communication for this to be a happy thing. Discuss what you like and dislike. Talk about how you like to be turned on, touched, or talked to. Intimacy is not just sex. It is the meaningful conversations that you have, the extended hugs, kisses, hand-holding, ect. Make sure that you know how your spouse shows love and how they like to receive love. You might not realize that how you like to feel loved might not be the same way that they like to be loved. Knowing that will help. Talking and communicating about this is key.
• Money. Set a budget, and discuss how you guys are going to spend it. This will help a lot of the stress and grief. Don't let it become a problem.

A lot of people today think that marriage stinks, or that it isn't worth it. That makes me so sad to hear. I haven't been more happy in my life than I have been being married. Marriage is the most fulfilling and compassionate relationship. Being married has made me realize so many things about myself. I have become a better person and grown more than I ever could from being single. I now have someone to go through life with and help me with my hardships, trials, and also the good times. If I had the chance, I would do it over again! It seriously has been the biggest blessing in my life. I am very grateful for marriage and the amazing man that I married.

A little trip down marriage lane...

Boys vs Girls

This week in class we discussed the different roles of men and women. We talked about how we raise our kids different based on their specific gender. With boys we tend to treat them differently and dismiss them from feelings because they are "boys" but then when they turn into men we want them to be sympathetic, thoughtful and caring. It is a double standard. We need to raise our boys to have feelings just like girls. They don't have to express them the same way as girls do, nor should they because we are made differently. I think it is amazing that we are made differently, we are made differently for a reason, it is part of the whole plan. I am amazed of the things I have learned from my husband. I am thankful that he has more of a grasp on things, so that when I get overly emotional he can help me to see the logic behind it and not freak out as much. And then vice-versa I have been able to help him feel more when he is stressed or troubled, and let him know it is ok to have those feelings. Men and women are a great balance and make the best companionship for that reason and many more.

We also talked about how parents now days are diagnosing their children to be "gay" as early as age 4. This is so saddening to me. First of all how can you tell if a four-year-old is heterosexual let alone gay at such a young age? Just because the child might have more feminist or masculine tendencies does not mean they are gay or shouldn't be able to pursue those tendencies. Boys who play with dolls should be able to play with them or girls who play with trucks should be allowed too. It doesn't matter. We need to be careful to not identify our kids and put labels on them like that so young, it is a very harmful for our children. We need to raise our kids with high morals and standards so that when they do become adolescents and start having these feelings they can cope with them better. The world is only going to get worse and they need a strong testimony of the doctrine. If we teach the why in the home they will be more likely to stand up for what they know is right and not be confused. It is vital that we teach this.