Divorce is Not A Quick Fix

This week in class we talked about divorce and the "blending" of new families. I believe that divorce has become too easy to access and has become the number one solution to marital problems when it should be the last resort.

There are 6 stations of divorce. Many people think of the contract one, where you by law are divorced but there are many other. The 6 stations include:

1- Emotional divorce: involves a loss of trust, respect, and affection for each other.
2- Legal divorce: when the court officially brings the marriage to an end.
3- Economic divorce: settlement of the property.
4- Co-parental divorce: occurs when the couple has children- decisions need to be made about custody, visitation rights, and continuing parental responsibilities.
5- Community divorce: the friends of the previous couple become "divorced" as well and are sometimes forced to choose sides.
6- Psychic divorce: the individual must accept the disruption of their relationship and regain a sense of being an individual rather than being in a marriage relationship.
*(All of these are directly from Lauer and Lauer's book "Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy")

The main reasons reported for divorce are finances, children, communication, sex, and falling out of love. People need to understand that getting a divorce isn’t going to fix these problems, but just intensify them even more. Especially if the couple have children, figuring out how to divide them up is a lot harder than you would think and can cause a lot of problems. Learning how to deal with blended families isn’t easy, with the rate of divorces we need to learn ways on how to make these situations more effective. The way to get to the root of the problem is preventing divorce before it even happens and learning how to create healthy, happy and loving marriages. 

Parenting, A Vital Role

This week in class we have been discussing parenting and how to be effective parents. One day in class we talked about consequences. I believe that it is important that we let our children learn for themselves and that we don't hold their hand throughout life.

As parents this isn't the easiest thing to do. We want to help them as much as possible and we don't want them to suffer. But if we are constantly doing things for them we are really hurting them more than helping them. We have to let them suffer the natural consequences. Letting them learn for themselves allows them to grow and become the independent individuals we want them to become.

Of course, there are certain things we shouldn't let our children suffer, because it is not age or situation appropriate. But we need to be constantly looking at our parenting and changing it based on their, age, maturity and cognition levels. We shouldn't raise our children the same way we did as they were a baby. We need to adjust our parenting to how much they are growing.

The same principle of adjusting our parenting styles based on our child's maturity level also goes along with how we need to raise each child differently. Each child is born with their own temperament and personality. Based on each child's needs we need to discipline, love and care for them based on their specific needs. We shouldn't raise each child the same and expect them to turn out the same. Each person has a different personality and temperament that they are born with and we shouldn't try to change that. As parents we should embrace our child's differences and learn to raise them based on their specific needs and wants. Learning to adjust to their needs is a lot easier than to force them to adjust to our own ways.

Hopkins gives great research on when and when not to let our children suffer natural consequences.
He gives three areas in which we shouldn't allow natural consequences to teach these are:
1. Too Dangerous
2. Too far in the future
3. Others are affected (primary)

Finding the balance is the key here. We need to make sure that we don't interfere with the natural consequences, and let or children learn for themselves. Doing things for our children will not allow them to take the responsibility that they need to learn and grow from. We have been given our agency for a reason. If we as parents don't allow them to use it we are raising them how Satan would want us. When we allow our children to use their agency we are raising them how Heavenly Father wold raise them. They are not just our children, but Heavenly Father's and we need to raise them as such.

Work Hard, Play Hard!

In class this week we have been talking about how families work together. I believe that it is very important for parents to teach their children the value of work.

In today's society we have gotten away from the traditional ways families used to work together. Before the industrial revolution, husbands either worked on their farm, or around the house for their careers. Work and housework were one not separate things that a man does or the women takes care of, rather it was a family ordeal and they all worked together. Instead of leaving to go to work miles away, the husband would stay home and be around the family. This allowed him to be able to teach his children how to work and also allowed him to help around the house. Before children left for hours a day to attend school, they would stay around and help their parents with what ever they could handle maturity wise. The family was centered around working and living around each other.

This is not that not how families and work are today. Today with the husbands leaving for hours a day to go to work, and children going to school for the majority of the day that leaves women alone with the burden of taking care of the household chores all on her own. It is hard as a wife and a husband to teach work ethic in their families with the circumstances we have today.

Here are some ways we can still teach work ethic in the home and have fun while doing it:

• Family Garden
• Service Activities
• Promote a working environment ("unplug" from technology)
• Make chores a game
• Show your appreciation to your kids for the work that they do. Then they will be more willing to keep helping you out knowing that you appreciate the work that you do for them.
• Don't micromanage or be a perfectionist. Be pleased with the way your children do things.
• Even though it might take longer or cause you more stress, let your kids help you!
• Make work fun and enjoyable

Communication: Vital for healthy relationships

I believe that communication is a key tool to learn for the betterment of relationships and families. When you think of communication, one might think it is the words that are spoken, but it is so much more that that. Non-verbal actions and tone are also methods of communicating. Words make up 14% and tone makes up 35% equaling 51% of all communication. In other words we look to non-verbal cues as a method of communication more than we do to the words that someone is trying to communicate to us. Our non-verbal skills make up half of what we are trying to communicate. That is why the way you say something (tone) and the way you convey it (non-verbal) is so much more important than what you are actually saying.

Sarcasm is a tool in which messes with good communication and ends up doing more harm than good. We should all strive to be less sarcastic and be more clear and concise when we are speaking to those we love and care about.

 Men and women are very different in the ways that they communicate. Women for example tend to be thinking about something and then comment on it without giving the background story. This happens a lot and the poor men are left thinking, "where the heck did that come from?" To solve this problem women can either explain where they are coming from or men can ask "what is the background to that thought, please help me understand." It is very difficult to encode and decode what people are trying to say to us. We all have our own perceptions on things, and need to be clear on how we communicate or get our point across. Patience in communication is essential.

In Ephesians chapter 4 it gives great examples on how we should and shouldn't communicate. In chapter 5 it talks about the do's and dont's in communicating in marriage. And in chapter 6 it talks about how parents should communicate with their children. These chapters give profound insights to how we should be communicating and how we should not. It is very clear and straight forward. After reading these verses of scriptures I have come to realize that I have a lot of room to improve. In class someone brought up the question how does venting help? Our teacher said that it isn't helpful at all, but that it is degrading and doesn't solve our problems. If you think about it, Christ had all the reasons in the world to vent, but never did. Venting is destructive and lets us talk badly about situations or people. This really struck me because I go on venting rampages just about every day to my husband. After learning about the destructiveness about it I am going to try my hardest to stop.

I also loved how in class we discussed how the quorum of the twelve and the prophet comes to a complete consensus. They never yell, raise their voice and are always willing to hear everyone's perspective. And yet, no matter what topic they are discussing each and every time they come to one consensus. I love that! I hope to aspire to have this same method with my own family and in our own family counsels. The reason they are all able to come to a complete consensus every time is because they are coming to a consensus of God's will rather than their own. When we are thinking of our own preferences or opinions we will never come to a complete consensus but when we are putting God's will above our own, each family member or person will come to the same agreement. That is so amazing to me. I hope to have prayerful and spiritual counsels with me own family just like the brethren of our church do.

Teaching Your Children About Sex

This week in class we discussed sexual intimacy and the differences between men and women. We also discussed how you should discuss sex with your children. I believe that it is very important to talk to your children about sex.

I believe that it is so important for your children to understand the doctrine and principles and the purpose of the procreation power first and foremost. If they truly understand the doctrine behind the Plan of Salvation and the reason we are here on this earth, to create eternal families, then it will be a lot easier for them to understand the applications that go along with that. Boyd K. Packer says it best...."True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the of the doctrines of the Gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. "I love that and believe it to be true. If we teach our children the reason behind things they will be more willing to follow the counsel we give them and the counsel from church leaders.

If you do not teach them correctly about it in the home then they will learn the improper use of the procreation power from the world and other outside sources. I think that having that open communication with your children is very important. It should not be a one-time thing that you talk to them about, you constantly need to be talking to them about it as they grow. When you discuss sex for the first time that doesn't mean it will be the first and last time. Your children will continue to have questions about it as they get older and understand more. That it is why it is so important to have that open communication with your children so that when they have questions throughout their life they will feel comfortable coming and talking to you about those type of things.

Preparing yourself now and how you are going to handle these matters is essential. Discuss with your spouse how you are going to handle these situations BEFORE they happen. Consider it as a "game plan" you wouldn't go into a intense game without having a plan, them same goes for parenting. Knowing how you will handle these questions and being prepared before will help your children tremendously. Being prepared will help you be able to effectively teach and be ready for when that question does come up, because they will, and when you least expect it.

As parents we shouldn't act like it is this "taboo." If we overact or shun the question our kids are going to get the wrong impression. Instead we need to be as calm as possible and address it then and there. If the time and place isn't conducive explain that to your child and say, "that is a very important question, let's discuss that when we get home." Don't drag out the time to talk about it. My parents did this and it really helped. When I asked my mom what sex was she didn't freak out or over react and shun the question. She simply answered and explained it to me like she would how to do a math problem. Her and my father already knew how they were going to handle the situation before it ever came up. Talking about these issues doesn't need to be a scary thing, it is just another part of life.

Our great leaders of the church have come out with a Parents Guide about how to talk with your children at varying different ages. It gives great counsel and is a great guide to follow. Go ahead and read, I highly recommend it. Here is the link: http://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide?lang=eng

There are different ways in which you can teach your children about their bodies and the procreation power. It is important to start this at a young age so that your children know early on how to treat themselves and others. Just discussing the differences between boys and girls is a good way to start.

I had amazing parents that talked with me about these matters and explained to me what changes my body was going to go through way before they happened. The taught me the proper ways to use the procreation power and also helped me when I was about to get married and start having sex. Nothing came as a surprise to me, periods, the development of breasts, or sexual matters. All was discussed prior and I am so grateful for that! I hope to be just as open and informative with my own children.

I encourage parents to get their "game plan" together NOW so that they can effectively show love and teach their children about this very important matter.

Marriage

This week in class we have been discussing marriage. Specifically in the first couple years. There many changes that the couple go through and work through. Even though it is a challenging time it cam be "marital bliss" like everyone hopes for too. Some ways that you can make sure your marriage starts off on the right foot are:

• Establish roles and responsibilities. When you first get married it is uncomfortable to talk about these type of things, but not talking about them will cause more damage. Distinguish who is going to do what so that one spouse doesn't feel like they are doing the bulk of household responsibilities.
• Set boundaries for in-laws and extended family. Once you are married, you must break all other ties and cleave unto your spouse. Cleaving means moving away from your parents and establishing that new relationship with your spouse. Your parents now take on a new role. They do not decide what is wrong and right for you anymore, they just encourage now. You and your spouse must cleave and become one. Setting boundaries for in-laws, extended family and even friends need to be set. Your spouse is your main priority now.
• Talk about intimacy. Husband and wives feel differently about this and there needs to be clear and good communication for this to be a happy thing. Discuss what you like and dislike. Talk about how you like to be turned on, touched, or talked to. Intimacy is not just sex. It is the meaningful conversations that you have, the extended hugs, kisses, hand-holding, ect. Make sure that you know how your spouse shows love and how they like to receive love. You might not realize that how you like to feel loved might not be the same way that they like to be loved. Knowing that will help. Talking and communicating about this is key.
• Money. Set a budget, and discuss how you guys are going to spend it. This will help a lot of the stress and grief. Don't let it become a problem.

A lot of people today think that marriage stinks, or that it isn't worth it. That makes me so sad to hear. I haven't been more happy in my life than I have been being married. Marriage is the most fulfilling and compassionate relationship. Being married has made me realize so many things about myself. I have become a better person and grown more than I ever could from being single. I now have someone to go through life with and help me with my hardships, trials, and also the good times. If I had the chance, I would do it over again! It seriously has been the biggest blessing in my life. I am very grateful for marriage and the amazing man that I married.

A little trip down marriage lane...

Boys vs Girls

This week in class we discussed the different roles of men and women. We talked about how we raise our kids different based on their specific gender. With boys we tend to treat them differently and dismiss them from feelings because they are "boys" but then when they turn into men we want them to be sympathetic, thoughtful and caring. It is a double standard. We need to raise our boys to have feelings just like girls. They don't have to express them the same way as girls do, nor should they because we are made differently. I think it is amazing that we are made differently, we are made differently for a reason, it is part of the whole plan. I am amazed of the things I have learned from my husband. I am thankful that he has more of a grasp on things, so that when I get overly emotional he can help me to see the logic behind it and not freak out as much. And then vice-versa I have been able to help him feel more when he is stressed or troubled, and let him know it is ok to have those feelings. Men and women are a great balance and make the best companionship for that reason and many more.

We also talked about how parents now days are diagnosing their children to be "gay" as early as age 4. This is so saddening to me. First of all how can you tell if a four-year-old is heterosexual let alone gay at such a young age? Just because the child might have more feminist or masculine tendencies does not mean they are gay or shouldn't be able to pursue those tendencies. Boys who play with dolls should be able to play with them or girls who play with trucks should be allowed too. It doesn't matter. We need to be careful to not identify our kids and put labels on them like that so young, it is a very harmful for our children. We need to raise our kids with high morals and standards so that when they do become adolescents and start having these feelings they can cope with them better. The world is only going to get worse and they need a strong testimony of the doctrine. If we teach the why in the home they will be more likely to stand up for what they know is right and not be confused. It is vital that we teach this.

Truth and Tolerance

Elder Dallin H. Oaks gave an excellent talk entitled, "Truth and Tolerance." In this talk he explained the difference between truth and tolerance and how we need to make sure that we know the difference between the two. Especially as Latter-day Saints, we need to stand up for the truth and what we know to be true. It is important to be respectful of other's beliefs and loving them for our differences. There is though a difference between being respectful and being numb. We need to be careful not to fall down the path that we become numb to everything around us. There are many instances if we are not careful in realizing the adversaries attacks that we can fall down the wrong path. For instance, we first implore, tolerate and then embrace. This can happen with a variety of different situations such as things in the media, the world around us and in our own personal sphere of influence.

I encourage you to watch or read Elder Oaks' talk. Here is the link:

Truth and Tolerance

September 11, 2011: Elder Dallin H. Oaks speaks at the CES Devotional. 
 

http://www.lds.org/media-library/video/ces-firesides?lang=eng&start=25&end=36#2011-09-1020-truth-and-tolerance

We have been talking a lot about culture in class and it made me realize a couple of things.

1. Just because we don't understand a culture does not mean that we should bash it or be hateful towards them. We should enlighten ourselves and then make educated assumptions based on what we know to be true.

2. Just because someone is different than us doesn't mean that they are bad or wrong. Each culture can bring good and bad things.

3. It would be so cool to adopt the best things from each culture and make the "best" culture.

Cultures I want to apply in my own family:

• Family first


• Wholesome recreational activities


• Family dinner every night


• Chinese: treat grandparents well and honor them


• Filipino: huge family get-together

Family : A System

In class this week we have been learning about family systems. The four different theories that we discussed were:

Conflict Theory: Power to get gain.

Exchange Theory: When you give you expect getting something back in return.

Symbolic International Theory: Unwritten rules that we have grown up with or used to. Most of these are interpersonal communication and not written down anywhere, they are just known. It also based on your own perception regarding the behavior.

Family Systems Theory: Different subsystems of a family

It was interesting to discuss the unwritten rules that we live by. Depending on culture, race, family background and other factors it depends on how we perceive things. For example my family and I had a foreign exchange student from Colombia come live with us for his senior year of high school. When we met him he kissed me on the cheek, to him that was showing respect towards women in the highest regard, but I perceived very differently. This can happen in other situations as well. Newly weds deal with this in their first years of marriage, coming from two very different backgrounds, there are times when some things might be offensive to others even though that was not your intention. It is important to talk about those differences and not take offense but being understanding.

When I looked at my own family "rules" it was funny to see the things I had grown up with and become accustom to. It has also been interesting getting married and to see how my husband's family works and their set of "rules." Luckily my husband and I were raised very very similar so we didn't have a lot to change or adjust to when we got married. Plus my husband is very easy going, patient and understanding so he is really easy to get along with.

We also talked about boundaries familes set. We talked about homeostasis and circular activity. Homeostasis is when we play different roles. For example you act differently at church, school, when you are at home, or when you go to the store. It isn't that you have multiple personality disorder, but that in each of these different situations you take on a new role based on how you think you should act. We do this in our own familes as well.

When situations arise in the family roles change and family members can be closer, further or disengaged. For example when a child is very ill that causes stress on the family. The mom becomes closer to the daughter and is helping her, which then they form a union. The father can feel overwhelmed and stressed with the expense of the bills and feels disengaged from his wife. The other siblings might feel as though the sister is getting all the attention and feel jealous. In these situations it is important to see how others are feeling and to have open communication so that everyone can feel loved and supported during this hard time rather than alone and stressed. As a family unit it is important to be each other's support and safe zone.

The conclusions that I came to after this week of discussion were:

1. No matter what family system you are used to or were raised in, if there are things that were damaging, didn't work well, or things that you did not like that DOES NOT mean you have to continue in that same cycle. You have the opportunity and the right to change your life and your own family for the better. Stop the damaging cycles and change the future generations for the better.

2. Love the family that you are in. You came to this earth into the family you did for a reason. They are to help you learn and grow in the ways that you could not with out them. If you see things in your family that you think should be changed, change it, don't let negative things effect you or your family.

3. Sister Julie B. Beck came to BYU-Idaho to speak at a devotional and said something that really stuck with me. She said "you have two chances at making an eternal family, the first is the family you were born into and the second is the eterenal family that you create yourself. Don't mess up the second one."

Scary Family Trends to Think About

In the last two weeks of class we have been discussing trends that are becoming more prevalent in today's society. We wrote down a list and linked them all back to the family and why the family is at stake.

• Cohabitation
• Marrying later
• Living alone
• More employed mothers
• Unwed births
• Fertility rates declining
• The trend that "family isn't important "
• "Big families are no longer cool or trendy"
• Pre-marital sex
• Household size

When you look at these separate they don't seem that harmful to the family. But when you lump them together and link them all to the family, you can see that all these trends are the reason why families are dying out.

Let's take marrying later for instance. Since more people are living alone for a lot longer and marrying later in life, they postpone the age of having children. This effects the amount of children they have because they are now older when they marry and have children at a later age. Rather than marrying earlier and having ampule amount of time to have more children. This also effects family history. Parents are having kids at age 30 and sometimes as late into their 40's, which means these kids are not going to know their grandparents or even have their parents around for many years. Grandparents are the best, and the knowledge and wisdom they can give us is remarkable. It is sad to think that these children will not be able to see these generations.

Living alone, or smaller household sized have greatly increased. This is an interesting statistic:

In 1950 the average household size was 900 square feet with 6.1 people.
In 2000 the average household size was 2300 square feet with 2.5 people.

Pretty crazy when you look at those numbers?  Today we are living in larger amounts of space with a lot fewer people. "The myth that the world is too crowded" should look at this statistic. Either have more children per family, or build smaller houses. Problem solved. Or better yet, listen to this one...the whole population of the WORLD could fit into TEXAS. And that's with each family having one acre. Doesn't seem too crowded now huh?

During the baby boom the fertility rate was 3.7. Which seems low for a "BOOM."  If that was the "boom" I can only imagine what the rate is now. This effects family, population, society and especially the government. During the baby boom 13 people were working for one person's social security, now days we have about 3-6 people working for one person's social security, in the future that is going to drop down even more to 2 people working for one person's social security. Pretty soon those that want to support social security won't be able to, there is just not enough people. And why is this so you ask? Because fewer people are having less children, so the population is decreasing.


Pre-marital sex, unwed births and cohabitation, might seem like the "trendy" or cool thing to do, but research shows differently. I did a little of my own searching and found this great article, I highly suggest reading it! According to Smart Marriages and an article entitled "Should We Live Together?" What Young Adults Need to Know about Cohabitation before Marriage. A comprehensive review of recent research by David Poenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. It brought up a lot of things I had never thought of before. It also showed many correlations that I never would have thought would have been the cause of cohabitation. For instance, children in cohabiting relationships are much more likely to experience sexual and physical abuse.

Here are some statistics:
One study in Great Britain did look at the relationship between child abuse and the family structure and marital background of parents, and the results are disturbing. It was found that, compared to children living with married biological parents, children living with cohabiting but unmarried biological parents are 20 times more likely to be subject to child abuse, and those living with a mother and a cohabiting boyfriend who is not the father face an increased risk of 33 times. In contrast, the rate of abuse is 14 times higher if the child lives with a biological mother who lives alone. Indeed, the evidence suggests that the most unsafe of all family environments for children is that in which the mother is living with someone other than the child's biological father.³¹ This is the environment for the majority of children in cohabiting couple households.

In this article they give 4 cautions to cohabitation:

l. Consider not living together at all before marriage
They say that "cohabitation appears not to be helpful and may be harmful as a try-out for marriage. There is no evidence that if you decide to cohabit before marriage you will have a stronger marriage than those who don't live together, and some evidence to suggest that if you live together before marriage, you are more likely to break up after marriage. " I found this interesting.

2. Do not make a habit of cohabiting.
Be aware of the dangers of multiple living together experiences, both for your own sense of well-being and for your chances of establishing a strong lifelong partnership. Contrary to popular wisdom, you do not learn to have better relationships from multiple failed cohabiting relationships. In fact, multiple cohabiting is a strong predictor of the failure of future relationships.

3. Limit cohabitation to the shortest possible period of time. The longer you live together with a partner, the more likely it is that the low-commitment ethic of cohabitation will take hold, the opposite of what is required for a successful marriage.

4. Do not cohabit if children are involved. Children need and should have parents who are committed to staying together over the long term. Cohabiting parents break up at a much higher rate than married parents and the effects of breakup can be devastating and often long lasting. Moreover, children living in cohabiting unions are at higher risk of sexual abuse and physical violence, including lethal violence, than are children living with married parents.

These are just a few of the things this article mentions and goes further into, I suggest reading the whole article. It is very intriguing.

After looking and discussing these trends and the research behind all this it made me alarmed, frightened, and sad. It is sad that more and more trends are leading away from the ideal. The ideal of marrying, having children, and contributing to society. We need strong marriages, families and strong, educated, people with high standards who will contribute to society and make the world go round. We can not afford losing families.Our society, world and well-being depends on it!

My name is Taylor Hartman and I am senior at Brigham Young University Idaho. I am a Communication Major, emphasizing in Public Relations. I am also taking classes in the Family Studies Department. I serve as the secretary for the Child and Family Advocacy Society on campus. I have been happily married to my husband since December 2011. I love being around people and enjoy meeting new friends. I love my family and am the happiest when I am with them.

I believe that marriage is ordained of God and that family is essential to our happiness here on this earth. I believe that families are important and are eternal. Families need to be sanctioned and protected. As well as marriage between man and a women. I am writing this blog to share my thoughts, personal insights, knowledge, and testimony of the family. I am taking a Family Relations class this semester and will write weekly on the things I am learning in that class. I will also be writing on my thoughts and personal insights that I will gain from this class.

My Husband's Family (and mine too)

My Family